I like free money. Better yet, I like unsolicited, huge sums of free money. That’s why when a Mr. Williams George knocked on my quiet little e-mail door offering me an ATM card with $8.3 million loaded on it, I had to listen.
Hey, hey, slow down. I know it sounds like a scam. But come on, me smart face boy man, and to prove it, I’ve put together this simple step-by-step guide on how to get one step away from $8.3 million.
Do nothing. Seriously. Just kick it. Drink some juice. Listen to Wesley Willis (nsfw). Basically just wait because the money will eventually come to you in the form of a very long, nonsensical e-mail. You’ll know you have a winner when the mail is soaking in typos, miscellaneous capitalization and from someone who mysteriously adds an s to the ends ofs everys words.
Here’s an example. This is the first e-mail I got from Williams George:
This is to officially inform you that we have verified your contract /inheritance file and found out that why you have not received your payment is because you have not fulfilled the obligations given to you in respect of your contract / inheritance payment.
Secondly we have been informed that you are still dealing with the none officials in the bank your entire attempt to secure the release of the fund to you. We wish to advice you that such an illegals act like this have to stop if you wish to receive your payment since we have decided to bring a solution to your problem.
Right now we have arrangeds your payment through our swift card payment asia pacific, that is the latest instruction by the president umaru musa yaradua(gcfr) federal republic of nigeria.This office will send you an ATM card which you will use to withdraw your moneys in any ATM machine in any parts of the world, but the maximum is two thousand five hundred dollars per day, so if you like to receive your fund this way please let us know by contacting the card payment office and also send the following information:
1. Your full name
2. Phone and fax number
3. Address were you want them to send the ATM card to (P.O. box no acceptable)
4. Your age and current occupation
5. A copy of your international passport
Dr. Williams George
Integrated Payment Department
The ATM card payment office has been mandated to issue out $8,300,000.00 as part payment for this fiscal year2008/ 2009. Also for your information you have to stop any further communication with any other person (s) or office(s). This is to avoid any hitches in finalizing your payment. E-mail get back as soon as you receive this important message for further direction in this regards and also update me on any development from the above mentioned office.
You get all that? I didn’t either. But I’m glad to know he’s looking out for me, especially since I might have ended up in jail due to my illegals act of “dealing with the none officials in the bank your entire attempt to secure the release of the fund to you.” What a great guy, huh?
Next, respond with a vague, leading message that mirrors the sender’s language. Act interested, but don’t flip. Bonus points if you use any alter egos from Second Life or Dungeons and Dragons. This is secret code in the free money e-mail game that signifies you mean BUSINESS.
Here’s my succinct reply to George’s e-mail:
Send more information to me because ME!!!
Fergie McStinker IV
I played it pretty cool because I didn’t want him to think I was some fool who was going to fly off the handle when I learned about all this money. I also didn’t want him to think I was messing with him. This guy is a professional money-giver, so I’m sure he knows all the tricks.
Wait for the next impending electronic correspondence. In the meantime, dream about all the important, life changing stuff you will do with your money. My favorite activity would be walking around New York with all the money stuffed in a leather briefcase handcuffed to my wrist and occasionally letting it fly open while yelling “Whoops, ha ha, silly me!”
Here’s the next message I got from George a day later. He was nice enough to include a few pictures of the ATM card, which I’ve included throughout this post on the right.
The federal government of Nigeria in collaboration with the central bank of Nigeria has decided to pay all the foreign contactors that executed contracts for the federal government and yet not paid for the contracts. So after all meeting conducted by the central bank of Nigeria and your file was sent to my office so that I will have to contact you regards your contract inheritance fund that will be paid via the use of automated teller machines(atmcard).
So all you will have to do is for you to get back to me with your personal data for reconfirmation once again to know if it really corresponds with my file here. You are to get back to me with the following details:
Your full names, your contact addresses were you want your atmcard parcel to be deliver to you any form of identification, your age, telephone.
As soon as I hear from you with all this information, I will get back to you with the necessary papers make you the sole beneficiaries of the funds.
Hope to hear from you soonest
Dr Williams George
Immediately send as much sensitive information to the immaculate money-giver as possible. I know he didn’t ask for any bank account details, credit card numbers or your children’s birth dates, but send those too. This solidifies trust with him and shows that you are a smart, careful person.
Here’s the next message I sent him:
Mr. George, heres thes infos:
XXX Pecan Dr.
Austin, TX 787XX
Joe, Tom and Jennifer
Send the ATM card … NOW!
Fergie Fat McGoogle III
The next e-mail will arrive shortly. Wait in a tall chair with your back toward the door. Stroke a white cat and quote trashy romance novels while sipping flat ginger ale. Laugh out loud occasionally at nothing in particular. This has no relation to the millions of dollars that will be shipped to you. This is just for fun.
After completing the completely arbitrary and necessary cat stroking, I received this message:
Presidential Committee on Foreign Payments
Foreign Remittance Department
Central Bank of Nigeria
Swift Credit Card Payment
SWIFT CREDIT CARD
THE ABOVE SUBJECT MATTER REFERS
WE ARE IN RECEIPT OF YOUR MAIL AND THE INFORMATION.
You might be very verse with the swift credit card system through the (a.t.m) automated teller machine system that allows beneficiary,s direct access to make withdrawal of fund from any international banks in the world.
It might interest you to note that the swift credit card system of payment was adopted to reduce the administrative protocols as regards (cost of transfer,vat,taxes and levies), it was adopted to help beneficiary who are financially down, who are not capable to meeting up with the obligations of paying banks as a result of fee administrative and handling charges.
The swift credit card system will only cost beneficiary cost of shipment via dhl or fedex courier services and activation of account which involve little expenses. Be informed, that your information were received for direct programming of the swift credit card electronically device payment instrument.
Feel free to ask question (s) where you need clarification and call me on my direct line cell no.:+234-8058336571 for more details. As soon as you are ready to receive the swift credit card do inform me so i can activate the card,meanwhile you are advised to contact the federal government registered courier company for the shipment of your (atm card)as stated above .I have enclosed to this e-mail attached copies of the swift card brochure, my working id card and international passport. The brochure pin number is for your safe and confidential use. Do not expose the pin code number to anybody, we shall not be responsible for the pin code hacking by an unknown person therefter. Therefore, you are advised to keep it private and secured.
Below is the information of the courier company:
WORLD WIDE DELIVERY.
Name of the officer incharge: Adams David
Royal Mail Company
Name of the officer incharge: Mr Juan Lee
DR.WILLIAMS M. GEORGE
ATM CARD PAYMENT OFFICER
Wow! He’s part of a presidential committee, too. I would have been a fool to pass this up! Good thing I followed my instinct of never questioning anyone’s motives — ever.
Next we await payment instructions. Whenever you are dealing with free money-giver-outers, they never want to seem selfish. So they always have some type of third party that takes your money. This is standard practice and should be trusted. So send them whatever info they require so that you can finally get your money, or monies, as most professionals call them.
The e-mail from the courier company:
WORLDWIDE DIPLOMATIC COURIER
COURIER CHANNEL OF DELIVERY TO ANY PART OF THE WORLD
#55 Duke Avenue Victoria Inland Lagos
Lagos-Nigeria (REG ORDER NO: SHL/ 9420X2/68)
This to inform you that we have recived your mail.and at these time to let you know that our delivery procedures. You are to select the best way and suitable for you and to deliver you atm card to you. You most pay for the delivery charges so that we can do our job very well with out delay,as soon as we recived payment, your atm card will be deliver to you by the courier delivery that you have choosen,and you will pay before delivery,because our agent will be leaving the conutry latest by thursday, as soon as you made the payment your atm card will be among those that will be deliver this week.
So you are to select the options here and get back to us as soon as possible. You are to get back to us with your contact address were you want your parcel to delivered and also you personal cell phone number.
We’re almost done. Next select your fav courier company. I prefer FedEx because they offer fabulous accessories, like boxes.
I sent this to my dearest friends Mr. Juan Lee:
hello i am very happy to receive my styrofoam monies. i am ready to serve the egg guard to receive them too. please send the monies as soon as possible, for me is ready and I chooses fedex.
thanks usa / nigeria / england / moats and goats,
fat fergies THE UNTOUCHABLE
Now, all there to do is wait. I’ve yet to hear from Mr. Lee, but I’m sure he’ll be getting back to me soon enough to arrange a time to transfer the monies. And if anything happens, I’ll of course will be sure to let all of you know.
Oh and as a side note, don’t do any of this, please.
Note: This post is in the 190th Carnival of Personal Finance hosted by Funny About Money. Reflecting on our current economic troubles, this week’s theme centers around the Great Depression-era song “Buddy, Can You Spare a Dime?”
See related: Master Ginger Peter: I need your debit card, Nigeria and Ghana’s dangerous love of credit cards