As a rule, I don’t look to the UK Daily Mirror for hygiene advice, given that the British tabloid’s oeuvre runs more to Hugh Grant photo bombs, Pippa-razzi sightings and a downright clinical obsession with “Twilight” star Robert Pattinson, or “RPatz” to his fang gang.
Still, when any self-respecting journalist sees a headline like this pop into view, our first instinct is to follow it — at a distance, of course:
“‘Drunk and jobless’ wasps prepare to attack — so keep a credit card handy“
To be honest, at first blush, the phrase “drunk and jobless wasps” immediately brought to mind certain relatives of mine who, now that you mention it, would love to get their grubby mitts on my MasterCard. In fact, just the possibility that they had somehow found their way across the pond prompted me to log on and check my account balance, pronto.
But no, diving deeper into the shallow end, I was relieved to find that the wasps in question were the actual flying, stinging variety. And the headline-worthy problem seems to be that, owing to unseasonably weird UK weather, millions of the buggers are now juiced up on fermented fruit and behaving like all three “Hangover” films combined. Even their waspy queens have had enough of them, hence the pink slip reference.
The “Hangover” over there has reached such a buzz that British Red Cross first aid chief Joe Mulligan warned the citizenry to beware of boozed-up airborne picnic crashers.
“It’s hilarious that, now worker wasps have finished their life’s work, all they are doing now is feasting on fermented fruit and getting ‘drunk,'” he said.
Dudes, that’s my retirement plan, too!
But where does a credit card figure into all this? Because so far, all I’m getting is a picture of a royally POed Mary Poppins going all Jet Li defending her do-re-mi kids with a Barclaycard.
Sadly, no. Instead, Chief Mulligan urges those unfortunate Brits who do take a stinger for the team to whip out their credit card and drag it across the wound to remove the stinger before ordering a medicinal pint.
“Using a credit card or your fingernail is preferable to using a pair of tweezers,” the chief explains. “Some stings contain a sac of poison and if it is grasped with tweezers you may inject the sac of poison into the skin.”
Mystery solved. I now eagerly await the Daily Mirror’s home remedy for an RPatz bite.