If you possess so much as a shred of humanity, you’ll liquidate your portfolio posthaste, max out your credit cards pronto and empty your wallet this minute to help crowdsource Kanye Kardashian-West, who’s apparently $53 million shy of the scratch he needs to save the planet.
Much of said planet felt Kanye’s anguish on Valentine’s Day eve when he tweeted he is “still $53 million in personal debt,” and urged followers to “please pray we overcome.” In subsequent tweets, he clarified: “I am personally rich and can buy furs and houses for my family.” (Go ahead, I’ll wait while you re-read that.)
He went on to explain, “I want to help the world and I need help to do it. I am an artist and I care about humanity.” The root of the problem? “I need access to more money in order to bring more beautiful ideas to the world.”
Haven’t we all been there? Be honest.
One Minnesota wag was even moved to start a GoFundMe campaign for the cash-strapped savior. Balance as of this post: $289. Hey, it’s a start.
But like the messiah he’d be with just a little more moolah, Yeezy had a miracle solution tucked up his sweatshirt sleeve: “Mark Zuckerberg invest 1 billion dollars into Kanye West ideas … after realizing he is the greatest living artist and greatest artist of all time.”
Haven’t we all been there, if only after a few drinks?
But rest assured, you 99%ers out there: you too can do your part to crowdsource a better world. How? “Please subscribe to tidal!!!” Kanye tweeted, referring to the music streaming service where true humanitarians can download his latest album, “The Life of Pablo.”
Oh, the humanity!
Don’t you wish there was a place where the Kanye Wests of this sorely undercapitalized planet could prepare themselves for the soul-crushing weight of not only achieving unfathomable wealth in their own right but marrying into the Kardashians as well?
Meanwhile, if Kim Kardashian bestie Jonathan Cheban has his way, no future Kourtneys or Khloes will be subjected to the ignominy of not knowing a chardonnay from a cabernet.
Cheban is about to open what he calls the International School of New York to fill the crying need to prepare children of wealth and privilege for a life of more of the same. In fact, to make 100-percent certain they can find their way to the first day of class, he has conveniently located his institute of higher-life learning (wait for it) in Trump Tower.
“Wealthy kids from all over the world will learn things about private aviation, social media, quality of diamonds, types of caviar, mixed in with economics and other fundamental undergrad and grad classes,” the school’s self-ordained Dean of Pop Culture explained. “This is the social stuff you need to know to survive in a city like this with a lot of money. If you are buying a diamond, you need to know the clarity, and if you are buying a private jet, you need to know the different leathers and seats.”
Presumably, they’ll learn the nitty-gritty in Chafe Avoidance 101.
In the event that Pop Dean Cheban hasn’t filled the position, allow me to nominate the perfect candidate for dean of business and/or Wizard of ISNY: Kanye Kardashian-West.
In the eloquent summation tweet to his Valentine’s Day crowdfunding appeal, Yeezy demonstrated his complete mastery of how to get rich and stay rich.
“Also for anyone that has money they know the first rule is to use other people’s money.”